It's such a beautiful day out, the sun is shining, and it is warm enough to walk about without a jumper to hand (you never know in these British aisles). Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it in my bones. It began when I woke up so easily for the first time in weeks, I just floated back into my body and woke up cuddling Gary, which is always the best way to wake up! So I had a hot bath (I have this habit of adding a little olive oil to every bath I take, apparently it's what keeps Sofia Loren looking so fab!) and massaged myself from top to toe. I finally finished 'Magical Thinking' which I must say was another stunner from Augusten Burroughs. I really want to get my hands on dry, I think I'll have a look around when I leave the pub.
Anyways, I got out of the bath and was butt naked when I received a phone call from a withheld number, which I am always so dubious of because of all the telemarketing junk! So I pick up the phone and blatantly deny that I am Kyle Gonzalez (thinking that they were gonna offer me a new phone or a time share in Peru) and it turns out to be the recruiter from British Gas, a job I applied for yonks and yonks ago. So in order not to give myself away I just lowered my voice and made it as hoarse as possible so that when I call back, he won't recognize it! What a drama over a bloody phone call.
It would be funny though if I did call back and he was like 'hmmm, you sound awfully familiar' I wouldn't be able to contain my laughter.
Being jobless is so boring, and I feel fatter every day, and a little more useless, and a little more tired. I can feel it putting a strain on my relationship, and with good reason, I don't give Gary enough space, I sometimes feel like I'm clinging onto him like a baby monkey, shit scared. I feel slightly helpless too, like one day I'll have money and spend it on food and booze, but the next I don't. My bank account is a wreck, I'm too scared to actually look at how overdrawn I am.
I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, and every day a little more just slips away to a land filled with used shampoo bottles and foil.
Been playing this really addictive game on my mobile, it's got all these colorful bubble and you have to join 3 or more of the same color to pop them... I have been on that fucking game for near two days! Hehehe, I really do need to get out more.
The other night I was talking to Gary about why I dislike going out on the gay scene, I told him that I feel insecure around other fags, and that I feel inadequate and fat and ugly. I also told him about how I don't like this whole 'dumbing down' process that most faggots put themselves through because extra brain cells are unattractive. He said I was being very judgmental, that my attitude was preventing me from making new friends. I beg to differ. I am constantly making friends, it's just that I am very selective and would rather have a friend with whom I can converse over a 'friend' who'll give me all the drugs I want and get me drunk! Those to me, sadly, do not count as friends.
No matter how good their intentions (which I doubt are good in the first place) people like that have a problem with drugs and obviously don't like being in the gutter alone, so have to drag someone else down with them, it's a natural instinct.
Enough ranting, I have just grown old before my time. I am 21 going on 60 it feels like. I can't even remember my birthday, and it's not like I want to remember either. I am getting older (which is not a bad thing), I am also looking older, more tired. I've been having serious trouble sleeping lately, slight insomnia. I go to sleep, and within maybe 2 or 3 hours I am awake and find it impossible to go back to sleep. So I've been doing 2 to 3 hours a night for about a week now, and it's beginning to show. My eyes are red, I have dark circles (not that bad actually), and I am living on energy drinks and anything caffeinated.
Signing out, Kyle
xx
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