Miss Teen USA!

To think... or not to think? What was the question?

Truth Be Told

It's such a beautiful day out, the sun is shining, and it is warm enough to walk about without a jumper to hand (you never know in these British aisles). Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it in my bones. It began when I woke up so easily for the first time in weeks, I just floated back into my body and woke up cuddling Gary, which is always the best way to wake up! So I had a hot bath (I have this habit of adding a little olive oil to every bath I take, apparently it's what keeps Sofia Loren looking so fab!) and massaged myself from top to toe. I finally finished 'Magical Thinking' which I must say was another stunner from Augusten Burroughs. I really want to get my hands on dry, I think I'll have a look around when I leave the pub.

Anyways, I got out of the bath and was butt naked when I received a phone call from a withheld number, which I am always so dubious of because of all the telemarketing junk! So I pick up the phone and blatantly deny that I am Kyle Gonzalez (thinking that they were gonna offer me a new phone or a time share in Peru) and it turns out to be the recruiter from British Gas, a job I applied for yonks and yonks ago. So in order not to give myself away I just lowered my voice and made it as hoarse as possible so that when I call back, he won't recognize it! What a drama over a bloody phone call.

It would be funny though if I did call back and he was like 'hmmm, you sound awfully familiar' I wouldn't be able to contain my laughter.

Being jobless is so boring, and I feel fatter every day, and a little more useless, and a little more tired. I can feel it putting a strain on my relationship, and with good reason, I don't give Gary enough space, I sometimes feel like I'm clinging onto him like a baby monkey, shit scared. I feel slightly helpless too, like one day I'll have money and spend it on food and booze, but the next I don't. My bank account is a wreck, I'm too scared to actually look at how overdrawn I am.

I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, and every day a little more just slips away to a land filled with used shampoo bottles and foil.

Been playing this really addictive game on my mobile, it's got all these colorful bubble and you have to join 3 or more of the same color to pop them... I have been on that fucking game for near two days! Hehehe, I really do need to get out more.

The other night I was talking to Gary about why I dislike going out on the gay scene, I told him that I feel insecure around other fags, and that I feel inadequate and fat and ugly. I also told him about how I don't like this whole 'dumbing down' process that most faggots put themselves through because extra brain cells are unattractive. He said I was being very judgmental, that my attitude was preventing me from making new friends. I beg to differ. I am constantly making friends, it's just that I am very selective and would rather have a friend with whom I can converse over a 'friend' who'll give me all the drugs I want and get me drunk! Those to me, sadly, do not count as friends.

No matter how good their intentions (which I doubt are good in the first place) people like that have a problem with drugs and obviously don't like being in the gutter alone, so have to drag someone else down with them, it's a natural instinct.

Enough ranting, I have just grown old before my time. I am 21 going on 60 it feels like. I can't even remember my birthday, and it's not like I want to remember either. I am getting older (which is not a bad thing), I am also looking older, more tired. I've been having serious trouble sleeping lately, slight insomnia. I go to sleep, and within maybe 2 or 3 hours I am awake and find it impossible to go back to sleep. So I've been doing 2 to 3 hours a night for about a week now, and it's beginning to show. My eyes are red, I have dark circles (not that bad actually), and I am living on energy drinks and anything caffeinated.

Signing out, Kyle

xx

And The Winner Is!

I've been sitting in Varsity for the best part of tonights karaoke competition, I wish I would have brought my earphones, so I could at least listen to something decent at a normal volume, but oh well, who's complaining? hehe
Today has been one of those weird days, it started of with me having a dream that I met Gary's sister, but all day I've had this feeling that I'm in a bubble. I won't give it much thought because I'm sure it'll pass. Anyways, I was woken up with a phone call from Drew, 'How do you know you are having a heart attack?', hmmmm hardly what I want to ponder that early in the morning, so I just told him to call a helpline I happen to have the number for and they wanted to send an ambulance for him, which he refused, so I recon he might have been fibbing.

I recently joined facebook and have found friends I thought I might never see again, it has made me quite happy, so hopefully I'll be able to see them again some time soon.

I'm gonna go get a drink... feeling a little parched.

x

At A Loss For Words

There are no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Save from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart

Look at me losing control
Thinking I had a hold
But with feelings this strong
Im no longer the master
Of my emotions

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't know whether it's been too good for me. Just looking back at my short journey in the Cardiff so far, and how much has happened, thinking of all the people and situations that made me doubt myself, the times when I would just crawl into a ball on my bed and cry, holding a bottle of red wine and smoking out the window. I don't regret anything, it has all made me the person I am, my skin is a little thicker, my words a little colder, my mind sharpened.

I look around me now and I know I am home.

Gary and I have been talking about getting a kitten, which is exciting. I am a very broody person, the annoying kind whos voice goes all squeeky when talking to a baby... So yeah, getting a kitten but we can decide on a name, but I suppose we should wait till me see the kitty before naming the poor bugger.

Congratulations to my aunty Anna, popping out baby Aaron the other day, I believe he weighed a wopping 9lb 4Oz. I still haven't received any pictures, but I can't wait to meet the latest addition to my ever expanding family.
I sometimes find it hard to believe how quickly people change and grow, just talking to them I notice how much older they sound, how different they are to the children I grew up with.

Anyhow, I'm sitting here in Varsity, they've hired loads of new people and Gary has got a job on his hands to get them trained up... I love sitting in this corner and just watching people, not in a pervy way! hehe, just watch them interact with friends, drink, get drunk and then watch the stumble around like a recently born giraffe. This make me feel sane, just seeing how insane everyone else can be. I soppose that explains my attraction for TV programs such as 'Honey we're killing the kids' and 'Extreme Makeover'.

Gonna go get a drink...

Xx

It's Been A Long Time Since....

Wow!

It's been ages since I last wrote, just haven't had the time nor the drive for a while. The last time I wrote I was really, really pissed off, so to put a point across I wrote that angry letter.
So yeah, so much has been changing in my life, moving onward and upward.

I have found my soul mate, his name is Gary, and I am so deeply in love that I am, more often than not, at a loss for words. I met him by chance in January, in a dive of a club called Club X.
Since then, it's been a beautiful journey, every day I discover something new about him, and in the process I am working through a lot of my own issues.
He is so supportive of me, how he puts up with me and my ranting I don't know, but I do know that he deserves some kind of medal, or a at least a Valium.

These days I'm living in a small, but lovely, apartment in Cardiff city center with Gary and all is good within those four walls. I have left hairdressing, I needed a change, exactly to what I don't know, so in the mean time I'm just gonna do anything which pays the most for the least hours.
I tried my hand at direct sales and although I found it to be good money (some weeks I would take home £400) the hours are way too long, working in excess of 60 hours a week. It was getting me down, and I was tired all the time and barely got to see Gary unless I stayed up till 4am every night to at least spend some time with him.
Anyways, Gary's sister in law had a baby girl, they've named her Jessica, she's so cute, so because of the new arrival, Gary and I shall be travelling to fair Liverpool, where I shall have the pleasure of meeting his entire family. I've already spoken to his mother and she is such a lovely woman, she sent us our first moving in present and is always there for us. I can't wait to have a bottle of wine with her! Then come September I shall be whisking Gary off to Gibraltar for National Day, he'll get to meet my family, but more importantly they will be able to meet him, the one person whom has made me the happiest I have ever been.

This is some way scares me, I haven't been back to Gib since Christmas, and that time of my life was really traumatic so I left hating the place and wishing never to go back. It has happened to me before, but this last time in went beyond just hating the place but putting up with it for my families sake, this last time I wouldn't even go back to see my family. Thankfully my friend Tony has offered for us to stay in his place in La Linea (city adjacent to Gibraltar in Spain) so at least I won't have the stress of being in Gibraltar every day!
This National Day should be a good one anyway, a lot of people whom I haven't seen in years are going back to Gib and we're all gonna meet up, like old times.

Talking about old times, the weekend before last was my 21st birthday! It was an absolutely brilliant day. Gary took me out shopping and bought me a fantastic pair of Vans which I adore, he then took me to this Italian restaurant called 'Giovanni's' and the food there was so beautifully cooked, and everyone there was actually Italian! That night I ended up in a house party, got very drunk, can't remember half of it, but what I do know is that I'm blessed to be living the life I do!

On another note, to my shame I have fallen victim to reality television and am glued every Saturday to 'Dance X'. It has gotten to the point where I cancel plans or just don't make any just because I don't want to miss it! Although to be fair it does have some sort of artistic angle to it in some abstract, retarded way. That is my only television vice though, day time television and Jeremy Kyle will never filter through my sensitive corneas. I would much rather insert my penis in a blender while riding a 14 inch butt plug singing 'Against all odds' in a high pitched Hispanic accent.
That is something I was thinking about the other day, has television really ruined my generation? I have noticed that of my former class mates, none of them ever showed any interest in reading or anything even remotely mentally taxing. Maybe it wasn't television but leaking radiation from the incinerator across the bay! But I do find it alarming, the amount of youths just wasting away, pickled in Sambuca and listening to some half intelligible South American singing about how much he likes gasoline!

Talking about music, I have really fallen in love with Sia, her album 'Color The Small One' has found it's place into my heart, it's the sort of music that you can either sit down and analyze of sit back and relax to. I love the melodies, the instrument, but most of all her voice. There is something so innocent, but still wise about her voice. Sort of Joanna Newsom but less juvenile.

"We've argued by the baggage claim
We've accepted and we've laid blame
We've drank Sangthip in monsoonal rain
We've felt separate and felt the same

Oh yes the butterflies are still there"

Anyhooty, so much more to write, but my lapflop is running low on battery, so will carry on when I get it plugged in (That's the shitty thing about taking it to a cafe, no plugs!)

Kyle x

Dear Frustrated Faggot

Please remember me forever
Believe in me as someone
Who‘s never gonna wish you well

I‘m gonna tell you what I think about you in that unforgivable way I do
You‘re an idiot
And I hate your guts
I guess I‘m about as happy for you as I would be a cockroach in my food
I know it‘s terrible
I really hate you though

Do you have your fairytale life
Or are you dancing to the white trash [trance]
Oh please remember me
Believe in me as someone
Who‘s never gonna wish you well

I heard the thing that you hate about me almost everyday, but you still wouldn‘t leave
I had to [bullsh*t] love
Ooh, I hated your guts
And I heard the opposite of love isn‘t hate
It‘s indifference
But I can‘t relate
It‘s not good enough
Cuz I hate your guts

Did you sell your mediocre mind
You had to find out why you‘re better off with broader [lines]

Oh please remember me
Believe in me as someone
Who‘s never gonna wish you well
Oh please remember me
Believe in me as someone
Who wants you to go to hell

You‘re in me, you‘re boring
Oh, did you hear me snoring?
I don‘t mutilate myself when I talk to you
So tell me how did I hope you could tell that I‘m no one‘s pearl
You can have em, go to hell
You‘re gonna die on us
They‘re gonna hate your guts



Dear Frustrated Fatty,

I caught a whiff of what you've been saying on the grapevine, let's just clarify some things shall we??

I always get my way, end of, I wanted to move back to the UK and you were just a sucker on the way up, I sucked your cock for a roof, nothing more, for fucksake, do you actually think I liked having your sweaty belly rubbing up against me? Your stinking crotch? One thing that always made me laugh was when I gave you head I could barely see you over your enormous gut, you inbred swine!
I am not the facade I put on whilst being with you, submissive... I bored you in bed? I lay there and let you have your way because I didn't want to even touch you!
I won't give your little rant much credence, it just shows what a child you are.

Thank you for being as fake as I was, it makes me feel better for having used you...

Oh and by the way, we have given them all your details, they'll be after you, it's out of our hands now, sort it out for yourself, or maybe run away to another country with your tail between your cunt.

OH and that whole personality thing, get over yourself! there are idiots like you a dozen to the penny, you think you are so original, and that you have been the first to think everything, well guess what asshole!

I hope you live a long life....

Does it make sense???

If i told you a secret about spacemen and chocolate, would you follow me into oblivion, would you follow me into the universe,
If i told you the secret was ignorance, that no spacemen would arrive, would it make any sense, would it make any sense -

View my live journal at www.moi-le-freak.livejournal.com


XX

LiveJournal

I've recently started a live journal, check it out on www.moi-le-freak.livejournal.com



KG

Once Upon A Time...

SOOOOO... I was caught up in thought the other day, I like to do that, just day dream away for as long as it takes, till I forget about time and anything around me. Sometimes thoughts appear like creatures, like some sort of curious creation of mine, and i am God. We are all Gods of our own universe, we all create our own reality and apply our own rules, When Columbus arrived in America, the natives didn't see the ships because they did not exist in their universe, there was no possibility of them existing. How strange to think that we could have people flying in the sky and we can't see them because we have been programmed to believe that it is an impossible feat.

I would like to hear your thoughts....


KG

AN OPEN LETTER... all the things i never said

Dear Aunty,

How are you doing? Hope things are well where you are. I hear it looks just like San Francisco in the clouds.
It's been a year and a half since I saw you last, or heard your voice, or met you for lunch, where have all the years gone.
Over two years ago now, at your most vulnerable, I remember you pulled me aside and thanked me for giving you the youth you never had, for being there for you, for being one of your best friends. That has touched me to this day, and I carry it with me always.
Now it is my turn to thank you.

Thank you, for always being there, even when I felt most alone, I always knew in the back of my mind that you were with me.
Thank you for all the fun times we spent together, up until sunrise, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and talking about the depths of our souls, always talking, and laughing.
Thank you for telling me it was okay to be myself, when everyone else tried to crush me, you held me up and shouted 'fuck you!' in main street with me!
Thank you for being my mother, in more ways than just one, you nurtured me spiritually, mentally and phsically.
Thank you for your words, your poetry inspired me to write some of my most beautiful work.
Thank you for dancing, Danza Del Sur is still going strong ya know, they're all still together, and they dance with joy in their hearts, the same joy you gave them in teaching them, that same joy you radiated to all who saw you on the stage.
Thank you for taking me out with you, for those great nights we spent dancing on tables and downing shots, fighting off the men!
Thank you for being beautiful, your beauty is still burned into my mind, the face I shall surely never forget is yours, those eyes whos kindness and fire incited me to revolution!
Thank you for standing by me in everything I did, when no one else believed in me, you did with all of your heart, you stood in silence with me in casemates and handed out fliers to the ingnorant public.
Thank you, for letting me know you, I have known you longer than any friend I shall ever have, and deeper than any. Yours is the first heart I saw exposed, the first raw love I ever felt, untainted by self editing and without a thought of what you 'had' to say.

You always said I was like your own son, the only difference is that you didn't give birth to me. Well i want you to know that you did give birth to be, you pulled me out of my shell of self hate, and dragged me out of my darkness kicking and screaming, wincing at the light. You gave me the life I have now, the confidence I enjoy now, the love I can now give to others, the love I have for myself, the smile on my face is all because of you, you gave me the most precious gift anyone could ever have given me.
You have taught me how to look adversity in the eye and scream 'I shall not be conquered by you!'
You taught me how to dream a dream, how to leave my body at night and visit the stars.
You taught me how to appreciate my parents, for their flaw was only that they are human, and mine was that I was to consumed by my own destruction.

From what I hear you went in peace, breathing softly, with your arms tucked under the pillow, what were you dreaming of? You were dancing, that's it, dancing, like the woman in your poem 'despierta'. Dancing in the clouds, the echoes of the earthly voices growing faint as you float away.

I remember you told me, that sometimes when you were hanging out the washing from your 12th floor window, you had considered jumping, not to commit suicide, but to fly, you had a dream, to fly through the air without wings.

Now you are free, you're free from these shackles of flesh and bone, fly, goddammit, fly! fly to your hearts content, visit the heavens, watch me while I sleep, kiss my brow goodnight.
I won't pretend I don't miss you, because I do with every cell in my being, wishing you were here has consumed me for months.
The blackness into which i stare at times bares my despair at the thought of never seeing you again, the rose from which I grew.

Thank you, eternally,

Your son

Kyle



"Yo Sueño Flamenco, Yo Sueño Distinto, Yo Lo Llevo Adentro, Porque Asi Lo E Vivido"