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I've recently started a live journal, check it out on www.moi-le-freak.livejournal.com



KG

Once Upon A Time...

SOOOOO... I was caught up in thought the other day, I like to do that, just day dream away for as long as it takes, till I forget about time and anything around me. Sometimes thoughts appear like creatures, like some sort of curious creation of mine, and i am God. We are all Gods of our own universe, we all create our own reality and apply our own rules, When Columbus arrived in America, the natives didn't see the ships because they did not exist in their universe, there was no possibility of them existing. How strange to think that we could have people flying in the sky and we can't see them because we have been programmed to believe that it is an impossible feat.

I would like to hear your thoughts....


KG

AN OPEN LETTER... all the things i never said

Dear Aunty,

How are you doing? Hope things are well where you are. I hear it looks just like San Francisco in the clouds.
It's been a year and a half since I saw you last, or heard your voice, or met you for lunch, where have all the years gone.
Over two years ago now, at your most vulnerable, I remember you pulled me aside and thanked me for giving you the youth you never had, for being there for you, for being one of your best friends. That has touched me to this day, and I carry it with me always.
Now it is my turn to thank you.

Thank you, for always being there, even when I felt most alone, I always knew in the back of my mind that you were with me.
Thank you for all the fun times we spent together, up until sunrise, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and talking about the depths of our souls, always talking, and laughing.
Thank you for telling me it was okay to be myself, when everyone else tried to crush me, you held me up and shouted 'fuck you!' in main street with me!
Thank you for being my mother, in more ways than just one, you nurtured me spiritually, mentally and phsically.
Thank you for your words, your poetry inspired me to write some of my most beautiful work.
Thank you for dancing, Danza Del Sur is still going strong ya know, they're all still together, and they dance with joy in their hearts, the same joy you gave them in teaching them, that same joy you radiated to all who saw you on the stage.
Thank you for taking me out with you, for those great nights we spent dancing on tables and downing shots, fighting off the men!
Thank you for being beautiful, your beauty is still burned into my mind, the face I shall surely never forget is yours, those eyes whos kindness and fire incited me to revolution!
Thank you for standing by me in everything I did, when no one else believed in me, you did with all of your heart, you stood in silence with me in casemates and handed out fliers to the ingnorant public.
Thank you, for letting me know you, I have known you longer than any friend I shall ever have, and deeper than any. Yours is the first heart I saw exposed, the first raw love I ever felt, untainted by self editing and without a thought of what you 'had' to say.

You always said I was like your own son, the only difference is that you didn't give birth to me. Well i want you to know that you did give birth to be, you pulled me out of my shell of self hate, and dragged me out of my darkness kicking and screaming, wincing at the light. You gave me the life I have now, the confidence I enjoy now, the love I can now give to others, the love I have for myself, the smile on my face is all because of you, you gave me the most precious gift anyone could ever have given me.
You have taught me how to look adversity in the eye and scream 'I shall not be conquered by you!'
You taught me how to dream a dream, how to leave my body at night and visit the stars.
You taught me how to appreciate my parents, for their flaw was only that they are human, and mine was that I was to consumed by my own destruction.

From what I hear you went in peace, breathing softly, with your arms tucked under the pillow, what were you dreaming of? You were dancing, that's it, dancing, like the woman in your poem 'despierta'. Dancing in the clouds, the echoes of the earthly voices growing faint as you float away.

I remember you told me, that sometimes when you were hanging out the washing from your 12th floor window, you had considered jumping, not to commit suicide, but to fly, you had a dream, to fly through the air without wings.

Now you are free, you're free from these shackles of flesh and bone, fly, goddammit, fly! fly to your hearts content, visit the heavens, watch me while I sleep, kiss my brow goodnight.
I won't pretend I don't miss you, because I do with every cell in my being, wishing you were here has consumed me for months.
The blackness into which i stare at times bares my despair at the thought of never seeing you again, the rose from which I grew.

Thank you, eternally,

Your son

Kyle



"Yo Sueño Flamenco, Yo Sueño Distinto, Yo Lo Llevo Adentro, Porque Asi Lo E Vivido"

Mother!

My Birth was a gift,
The love you gave me every day without fail, a blessing,
Through tears of sorrow and screams of agony,
Through tears of Joy and Laughter,
Your voice would read me to sleep, and your voice still brings peace to my heart.



Thank you for everything you gave without knowing

Love you

XX

Age, Aged

Funny, age isn't it?
When we are in our teens, we want to grow up so fast, and then once we realise that the spark we once had, that youthful glimmer in our eyes has begun to dull, we race around trying to 'fix' it.
The only thing that is assured to us in life is a birth and a death, nothing more, all else is attained, but birth and death are given facts which we cannot refute.

The other day, I received the news that my mother is expecting another child, I am going to be 20 years older than this child and have no part in it's life, because I won't be around, and the age gap between my sisters isn't going to help either. I can't help feeling that this child is going to feel isolated, starting its life when everyone is busy sorting their own lives out.
But it made me think though, It made me remember, in essence, my own birth and childhood, and now that I can understand what it means to bring another life into this world (by understanding I mean that I am no longer a child who thought babies were delivered in the post) and I can also understand the events which shaped me with such clarity.



KG

Truth Is A Sign

Truth is a sign on a dusty highway, looked upon but never followed,
We are told as children that the truth will be our salvation, and is it?
Maybe the sun warped sign was right, maybe the desert is the lie.


A Thought,

KG

(I am meaning to expand, but just wanted to get that small thought out)

Cardiff! Cardiff! Cardiff!

(A Picture Of Mermaid Quay In Cardiff Bay)

I Love this city, everyone is polite and friendly, I've already met so many people in the short space of time that I've been here.
The architecture is stunning, the highstreet is fabulous (a bit too fabulous according to my aching bank balance hehehe) and just the feel of the place is so different, I feel totally at peace here, so comfortable and at peace.

Soooo, I guess that it's a good sign.

Even the gay scene is slightly more domesticated here, me having gotten used to the bitchy workings of a run of the mill gay club, I was taken aback.

Anyways, my mind has has been churning alot lately, alot of inspiration for alot more poetry. Maybe it's because I'm in love, or maybe it was them funky pills I took yesterday (any member of my family now reading this, please know, that it is a joke).

OoOo... Tomorrow night I'm going to be working at this big party in Cardiff giving Shiatsu massages, I'm so looking forward to it, there are gonna be so many people there and a 40ft inflatable church (hehehe, how apt) and people in fairy costumes and what not.

Anyways, will probably come up with something more that I wanted to say when i log off, so I'll fill you all in when I update next.

Toodles Poodles


KG

Return To Normality

It's been quite a few weeks since I last wrote, with all the christmas hustle and bustle I barely found the time. Not much has happened at all. It's just nice for everything to be back to normal.

KG

At The Movies

I live my life alongside people at the movies, they live in the cinema, they breathe the storyline through their nostrils, they kiss the actors on the screen and pray that one day; that sort of scenario will happen to them, they strive each day to find their prince charming in a fuck. Romance is dead, it died a long time ago, today it's more like getting breakfast after a one night stand, that's the romance they live for... They hope that last nights shag might be the one they spend the rest of their lives with. Like looking at life through a lens.
What the fuck are you looking for! Ask yourself that! I bet you don't even know... It's more like a cloud that you keep falling through.

I have no illusions anymore, I don't try to fit my life into a movie script. You end up fucking the bastards and dreaming of the angel you seem to have overlooked; and for what? Some queer ideal that prince charming has bulging muscles, perfect smile, and a huge cock.

Get over it, it only happens on the silver screen, the sooner you realise that, the happier you will be.

KG

'Grey'

the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey

and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way

i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

- Ani DiFranco

Who's In The Closet ?!?

Who is in the closet?

You'd think these days people would feel less shame in coming out and showing their true colours, not being afraid, not catering for some societal need to be a heterosexual stereotype.

In my mind, I dislike these people, they give the gay community a bad name! It's like they live in a dark 80's gay club where married men would don their leathers and stick on their fake handle bar moustaches and cruise around the sweaty corridors for a fuck.
Is that the image we want? Simple answer being.... NO!
All my life people have said to me, 'why do you have to flaunt the fact you are gay?'
and my response has always been 'why do you have to flaunt the fact you are straight?'
It's not flaunting anyways, it's what is called 'equality' now repeat again just in case you missed it 'E-Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y!'
You hold hands with your partner, I can hold hands with my partner, this is the modern way, and these closet cases are holding us back.

Our closeted brothers and sisters seem to have gotten their heads stuck in the door.
They seem to feel such hate against the open gay community, they avoid us like the plague, that is, unless we happen to be the ones fucking them. Other than that they want nothing to do with us, we are vermin.
They truly hate themselves, they think to themselves, 'I might be gay, but I'm nothing like that screaming queen' and I say... Of course you aren't, that's the point in diversity, you have alot of different people. If everyone were like you, how boring would that be, and plus, who'd want to be in your smelly moth ridden closet anyways, who'd want to walk around in darkness, fucking and praying for discretion, not even our nearest and dearest knowing who we are.(I can make the exception where there is an oppressive regime which is hostile to the GLBT community, and even then there are people brave enough to come out, but in the western world, I feel no pity, you have NO EXCUSE!)

Guess what? You've been had! I bet each and every one of you were told about 'acting normal' but what is normal anyways? I was told that when I first came out by several people 'always go around with dignity(in other words, without a limp wrist) and you don't need to let everyone know(Translation: we're ashamed of you and don't want anyone to know a member of my family/friend is a queer)' So my question to you is, who are you living for? Definitely not yourselves. As far as I know, normal is just a setting on my washing machine.

We are a diverse community, get used to it, not matter how many times you try to act like a straight man/woman you aren't gonna be one, you ARE gay if you sleep with a person of the same sex, and you secretly wish you could be out. My advice, give your closet a good clean every now and then, and buy good quality moth balls, you're gonna be in there for a while.

KG